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| Hey hey everybody.
Just to keep the few people who might actually read this up to date, the "good" thing didn't happen. Then i went to see jess the following monday, and ya...I'm not sure what to say. I can't say alot, because there is stuff that I can't even divulge in the privacy of xanga. Right now I am throughly disturbed by some stuff, so I don't know what to do. We haven't talked since then. I really hoped we would be able to at least talk some more, but I don't feel comfortable calling her after everything that has happened (and if you know me, this bears no explanation), and she doesn't seem to want to call me...so I just don't know anymore. I really don't know what to do. I love her so much even still, but how can I expect her to change? She may care for me more than any other woman in my life ever has (excluding my mom), but no matter what, God won't be first, and I won't even make it on the top ten of her list. Maybe it's just because I haven't ever had another girl. I see other relationships, and I haven't once seen a girl care as little about their boyfriend. What do I see in this anymore? If she isn't right for me now, why do I still hope she will change? Why won't that stupid little hope in me die so I can move on and care about her only as a friend and fellow human being instead of still loving her more than my friends and everyone else? I just still can't let go I guess, maybe eventually I won't feel like this anymore, but for now I still feel so attached to someone who has shown hardly any attachment. Oh well, I don't even know why I'm posting this, maybe I should make it private so no one reads it...we'll see. Maybe I should put this as my first myspace blog...? That sounds like fun, I'll try that.
In Christ,
Matthew
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| So, in case you haven't guessed, Naz night is coming up in a few days. So, as allways, naz night is like totally awesome. If you haven't been, then you need to go...NOW!!!! But anyways, besides having an awesome time on the rides and the fact that I get to ride the SNU bus, there may be a chance of something better happening. It may not be like "holy crap, awesome!!!!!" kinda good, but it would at very least bring me alot of peace in my life. I still remember last Naz Night so well, along with it's many dissapointments...but I hope and pray this one will not be as bad as the last. I'll get back to you guys about if the "good" thing happened or not.
Onto a totally different subject, I now know how to say hello in greek, but I keep forgetting how to say it right. Greek is really cool, but I'm really tired because I couldn't sleep last night because of something I couldn't get off my mind. So I ended up getting about 2 hours of sleep. Caffine kept me up through the day, but right now I feel like sleeping. So on that note, I'm going to bed. Love you guys!!
In Christ!
Matthew | | |
| Hee!! Yayness! It is raining outside, but it is also sunny...which doesn't happen very often., so it's pretty cool. I took pictures, but I can't upload them anyway. But anyway, SNU is great, so nothin new. Classes are starting tomorrow, but I won't be able to take my first Greek class until monday. :( Not sure why I should be sad, but I still am. I'm looking forward to Greek) Yay! I get to learn all about eros, agapa, and all those other kinds of love!! Anyway, I'll talk at yall later! Love u!
In Him,
Matthew | | |
| We all just got together and Rolin(proably misspelt) set up his amp with my battery backup so he could use his electric guitar out by the fountain. Anyway Rolin played the electric guitar (and sometimes switched out with Jacob's acoustic) while Jacob, Stacie(I think was her name) and the other music major from my family group played on the acoustic. I sat around on my laptop listening to them and singing along (quitely, because I don't think what I do is considered singing...) and Stephani got to snap her fingers (though she actually was singing harmony along with it and helped hold up the music.)
The outside walls at the la quinta inn are made of styrofoam
a pretty scene on the road from my house
A pic of me at clays about a week before we left
http://i79.photobucket.com/albums/j153/theevangelizer/P1010505.jpg (srry, couldn't upload anymore onto xanga
Bye everyone, and God bless. If you have any prayer requests, let me know.
Love you guys,
Matthew | | |
| Hi everyone. For those who read this, I'm very sorry I haven't commented in a long time. As alot of you know, I'm at Southern Nazarene Universitiy. First of all, this college is great, and I am so happy that I decided to come here. The people, the christian environment, the people walking in circles and then lighting candles, all great! But I have to be honest that I still feel like there is something missing. Not that I don't know what it is, but that I wish that there was someway I could let go. But for me, it isn't like that. When you love someone with all your heart for two years, it can't just go away. In fact, it won't ever go away. But it does let you focus more on the other people that you love. When you love someone more than anyone or anything (for that I apologize Father) and then you lose them; you suddenly have a huge gaping hole in your heart. It makes you doubt your purpose, your importance, and even your reason for living besides that killing yourself equals hell, a sin you cant turn away from, because it is allready too late. But then you realize the importance of all the others you loved so much less. You give them more love and recieve more love in return that you were blind to before. And then you can pull closer to the One who loves you more than anyone else ever could. This helps your heart to heal over. It won't ever be the same as it was before, sure, because no matter what, that person will allways hold that piece of your heart and proably that person will never be close again considering that they took that piece of my heart and did every horrible thing they could think of to it, but at least it slowly begins to hurt less, and sometimes you can feel truely happy again. For the record, even if you give someone your heart, they do have the choice to give it back, (though I have no personal experience with that) and that seems to hurt people alot more. But try losing your closest friend, your greatest love, the one you opened yourself completly to, trusting them (despite what was proably wise) all in the name of love to treat you right and then having them stab you in the heart and leave without one word. That is the ultimate lesson: trust God with your heart, life, everything; he is the only one who wont hurt you. The funny thing is, after how badly I was hurt, I still love Jessica so much. Still more than my friends who have allways loved me (maybe more than she ever did, but I proably won't ever know), still more than my parents who love me more than any other human being, more than the rest of my family who I KNOW love me. Why? I honestly don't know. Maybe because I've finally actually been humbled enough to love people like God wants me to; maybe because I know how much she hurt me, so I don't ever want to hurt her that much; maybe a combination of both; or maybe I'm just an retard. Donna would back that up! Lol! Just kidding Donna; I know you call me a retard from the deep love in your heart. In fact, you are proably so mean to me just because your in love with me! :-p Lol, goodness what are you in the 3rd grade? Hitting boys just because you like them, for shame! *Shames you by brushing finger.*
Anyway, sorry for that (except that last part *brushes finger at donna*). My ex (I would say "one of my ex's," but I've only had one gf, so I'm sure u could guess which one) seems to have decided to screw with my heart even more even after she broke it. Has to tear open old wounds with more lies. The problem is, I'm not sure which part is a lie; much worse. But hey, at least I'm at SNU with a bunch of people who are actually caring. Yay! SNU ROCKS!!!! Even if there is something missing that should have been here, nothing I can do about that. I lost one love, but now at SNU I can grow closer to my true love.
Ok, so now for local news and weather. The weather: very rainy, lightning, lots of thunder. The news: the "very rainy" causes low visabilty causing people to run over wierd curbs that jut out into your lane for about 10 yards. This can occasionaly cause three wheels to go flat, tear up at least two of the rims, and very possibly cause the axel to bend, but I pray that it is fine. For the record, Donna I'm very sorry that satan is attacking you like this. But I know that you will make it through this because God is greater than anything on this earth and He won't let satan do anything more than you can handle. I'll see you tomorr...later today. Sandi, I hope that you are rockin out at tech, and I'm sorry I didn't call back. I was busy yesterday. I love you all very much!
In Him,
Matthew "The Cook Formerly Known as "The Hushpuppy Master" " Starnes
Quote of the Month: From Deiana on the way back from the YES conference "Hee hee! You made me squeak!" | | |
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